


Packed and Petrified

by DancingInTheSliverGlow



Category: Percy Jackson & The Olympians (Movies), Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Greek Religion & Lore Fusion, Arguing, Book 1: The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson), Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Children, Cousins, Crack Treated Seriously, Demigods, During Canon, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Father-Son Relationship, Friendship, Gen, Hilarious, Humor, Modern Setting Retelling of Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Mystery Kids, One Shot, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-War, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Rick Riordan Demigod Universe | Riordanverse, Secret Children, Short One Shot, Snakes, Twelve Gods of Olympus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Uncle-Nephew Relationship, Weapons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24697924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingInTheSliverGlow/pseuds/DancingInTheSliverGlow
Summary: In the lightning thief, Percy Jackson defeats Medusa and then promptly sends her decapitated head to the greek gods.When the olympians got a package “best wishes percy jackson," Zeus probably said something along the lines of, "At last, my bolt! Finally, your son admits to steali-" and then gets turned to stone for like five seconds.This is what I imagined happened, starring: Zeus mostly as a stone statue (we all like him better that way), Poseidon, Hermes, Martha & George (the snakes on Hermes caduceus).Inspired bythis poston tumblr:
Relationships: Implied Hermes & Percy Jackson, Percy Jackson & Poseidon, Poseidon & Hermes (Percy Jackson)
Comments: 47
Kudos: 426





	Packed and Petrified

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to: stars-in-a-jam-jar for the title, percabeth4l1fe & tridentgum for the unintentional prompt :)
> 
> I tagged this a graphic depictions of violence just to be on the safe side. Zeus gets turned to stone, and Poseidon and Zeus argue a bit, and there are a few threats thrown around.
> 
> Enjoy!

•-•-•-•~☆~•-•-•-•  
The Gods  
Mount Olympus  
600th Floor,  
Empire State Building  
New York, NY  
With best wishes,  
PERCY JACKSON  
•-•-•-•~☆~•-•-•-•

Hermes walked towards the throne room with a battered cardboard box in hand, caduceus in the other hand. 

"Ohhhhh they’re really not going to like this!" Exclaimed Martha.

"Is it rats?" Inquired George.

“Guys, please. We already went over client confidentiality! You need to stop spying on package contents. The last time you did Artemis threatened to shoot me with her bow.” Hermes complains mildly. He really didn’t mind the snakes’ behaviour, but it had gotten him in trouble with his godly family. That, and he had no desire to be at the end of Artemis’s arrows again. 

"Are you sure you don’t want to know?" Replied Martha. "I mean, technically it is addressed to you."

"That’s right, you wouldn’t technically be breaking client confidentiality since you are the client." George continued.

Hermes sighed. “I suppose you have a point. Alright, fess up. What is it?”

Martha slithered around the caduceus and whispered in Hermes ears. His eyes and his mouth opened wide in surprise before he composed himself, and smiled with a hint of mischief. 

“Well this is certainly going to be interesting.” Hermes paused at the door to the throne room. Inside, he heard Poseidon and Zeus bickering. He knocked, and they both turned towards him. 

“Hermes.” His father addressed him.

“Father, I have a package for you.” He transfigured Martha and George into a pen and pad, and Zeus scribbled his name before taking the package.

Zeus took one look at the package sender and laughed. “Poesidon, it looks like your son has finally decided to end this pointless scheme and return the bolt to its rightful owner, eh?” He turned and fixed Poseidon with a smile - if it could've been called that. It was one part smug and one part sadistically triumphant.

As Zeus ripped the package open, Hermes caught Poseidon’s eye. He knows how he must have looked, the god of messages and mischief handing his father a package, suspiciously quiet with a glint of humor in his eyes, and a not-completely hidden smile.

Poseidon sat up straighter in this throne and looked at Zeus.

“It’s about time you gave up this absurd scheme.” Zeus cackled as he pulled out the package stuffing. “Although, this deed will not go unpun-” Zeus pulled the last piece of packaging off and Medusa’s dead eyes met his own, turning him instantly to stone.

Hermes roared with laughter, bending over in half. Even Poseidon chuckled, shaking his head fondly.

"No rats. But perhaps this is just as good." George commented, as he hissed in snake-laughter.

"George! This is serious, this is the king of the gods!" Martha chided.

"Even better! The king of the gods bested by a head of snake-kin."

“I suppose your son takes after you, with your affinity for, ah, messing with Zeus.” Hermes grinned, looking at the rock structure. “I would take a picture, but I believe the rock sculpture would last longer.”

Poseidon snorted and rested his forehead on his hand, as he shook in laughter. 

“He’s so much more peaceful like this. I mean, no more angry yelling, no more thunder rolling everytime one of our children even speaks out of line…” mused Hermes. “It’s a shame we can’t keep him like this.” Hermes went to close the box.

“Wait no- leave it open more a moment longer. I need to savour the moment. This is the first time since the winter solstice that my ears have stopped ringing from his incessant, ‘where issss itt? Poseidon! There will be war!’”

Hermes snorted at Poseidon’s theatrical imitation of Zeus. “Well, hopefully all of that will come to an end in a few days.”

Both gods sobered up at the thought of the solstice deadline.

“It will. I have faith in my son. He’ll find out whatever happened to the bolt and return it.”

“You have tremendous confidence in your son.” Hermes commented.

Poseidon turned to him sharply, face clouding in defensiveness. Hermes backpedaled.

“I meant no offence, uncle. It’s just- you’ve never met?” 

Poseidon looked thoughtful for a moment, before responding. “When he was very young. I doubt he remembers, mortal memories are not very reliable at young ages.”

Hermes remembered his birth, and immediately tricking and stealing his brother’s sacred cows afterward. Huh. Perhaps he has something in common with young Perseus. Perhaps he'll pay Perseus a visit after the lightning bolt feud is over.

“Even so, it’s not in the sea’s nature to be disloyal. He will come and return the bolt, even if it is to rescue his mother or simply to keep the peace.”

Hermes nodded in understanding. None of the other gods wanted a full out civil war between Zeus and Poseidon, the two most powerful gods in the parthenon. Olympus and western civilization would be in ruins, to say the very least. The gods were already picking sides. Hermes was stuck between choosing his unexpectedly mischievous uncle and his uptight father. 

Poseidon interrupted Hermes’ train of thought. “We should probably get this over with.” He gestured to Zeus, so Hermes put the packaging back in the box and closed it. 

Poseidon and Hermes watched as small cracks appeared all over Zeus’ rock shell, quickly growing in size before dramatically exploding and leaving behind an extremely angry Zeus. 

Zeus turned to Hermes, snarling in anger and thunder booming behind him. Hermes quickly backed up, arms semi raised in surrender. “Don’t shoot the messenger, father-”

Zeus whirled on Poseidon. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS IMPERTINENCE?!”

Poseidon calmly leaned back on his throne. “The boy is simply letting us know he’s on a quest to retrieve it, brother. Calm yourself. And for your sake, stop spitting when you talk. You’re the king of the gods, compose yourself.” He dramatically wiped something off his shoulder and discreetly shot Hermes a wink. 

Hermes barely managed to stay silent. 

"Oh dear. He really cannot tell when the time for jokes and business are." Mourned Martha. "I really don’t want another civil war, carrying all those depressing packages full of death and pain was not fun."

"Yea, not to mention the rats! Poor quality rats- only skin and bone!" George agreed.

The smell of ozone spread around the throne room “Calm dow-!? I SHOULD STRIKE THE BOY DOWN AT ONCE FOR THIS INSOLENCE!”

All traces of humor immediately gone, Poseidon quickly stood up, trident in hand. “YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!”

Outside the sea slammed against the harbour, knocking people and boats alike into the water. The sky grew dark as night, and water started pelting down. 

Distantly, Hermes hoped they weren't about to have a class five hurricane materialize above Manhattan. Convincing the mortals that the weather was simply a passing blip created by ancient climate patterns wasn’t going to fly, regardless of their ignorance. 

In retalization, Zeus instinctively goes to pull out his master-bolt, only to realize that he doesn’t have it. Snarling in anger, he pointed at Poseidon. “I will have my bolt in eight days. Otherwise, there will be war!” With a dramatic thunder roll, Zeus disapperated. 

Outside, the raging storm and waves subside, but they don’t return to their previous relatively peaceful states.

Poseidon sat down. He somehow looked tired, more weary even though his fisherman appearance hadn't changed since Hermes stepped into the throne room.

Hermes picked up the package. “What should I do with this?”

“Return it to him.”

Hermes’ eyebrows arched in surprise. “Oh?”

Poseidon nodded, as if finalizing his decision. “He beheaded Medusa. It’s rightfully his.”

As the god of lies, Hermes can recognize a half truth-half lying by omission when he hears it. He decided not to press. He transfigured George into a black mark and wrote, “RETURN TO SENDER” on the battered cardboard box, before exiting the throne room with it in hand. 

"That didn’t go well at all." Martha worried.

George agreed. "There were no rats at all! A travesty of justice!"

"George! We’re at the brink of war, and all you can think of is rats?"

"What? I’m hungry! If SOMEONE fed us more often I wouldn’t be this hungry."

“What are you talking about, George, I feed you everyday!” exclaimed Hermes. “Most snakes only need two rats a week.”

"TWO RATS A WEEK! That’s it, I’m going on strike!"

"George, no! Hermes already has enough on his hands with the Zeus-Poseidon impending war-"

"NO RATS NO WORK! NO RATS NO WORK! NO RATS NO WORK!!" George started chanting.

“Oh, _for father’s sake-_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> So... what you think? Gentle criticism is always welcome :)
> 
> I hope everyone's staying safe and healthy during these troubling times.
> 
> Come say hi on [my tumblr :)](https://art-in-the-sunlight.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you enjoyed, consider leaving a kudos and comment?
> 
> Emoji Key for those who don't know what to say!  
> ❤ = you wish you could kudos again  
> 😂 = this was so funny!  
> 🔥 = this was so hot!  
> 🐰 = it’s so fluffy!


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